Chapter Two: The Need For A Change

insolence + wine

These past few weeks have been both physically and mentally exhausting. Death and chaos has been consuming every facet of my life and quite frankly, I’m surprised I haven’t drowned my frustration with tequila yet.

When my husband’s grandmother passed away, I was smack in the middle of quite possibly the busiest time of my career. I’d been working 80-hour weeks, sleeping three hours a night and packing up various rooms for a remodel/paint job. My husband was able to take some time off of work and drove up to spend some time with her before she passed away. Due to the nature of the project I was working on, I couldn’t even take a day off to go up and see her without delaying (and screwing up) everything my co-workers and I have been working ourselves into the ground for. She passed away on a Friday and her funeral was two days later.

I couldn’t be there.

I wanted to be there.

Logistically it just wasn’t possible and even though I stayed up for nearly 36 hours trying to get things finished, it was simply not in the cards. My husband understood, in fact the morning he left to make the three hour drive back up without even waking me up. He let me sleep in— first time in weeks.

I love my husband for things like that. He takes care of me in ways I cannot refuse.

I regret not being there, to say my goodbyes. I didn’t know her very well, but in the short time I spent with her she left a huge impression on me. I hope she knew that.

I hate this feeling with every fiber of my body. I feel out of control and unprepared. I am rarely out of control and always prepared.

Part of what prompted me to write this was the unexpected news that one of the best people I have ever known in my life went from being actively battling cancer to passing away over the course of a few days. He was year older than me, and he deserved a better ending. I decided against attending his funeral (mostly because of a tumultuous relationship with an ex-boyfriend, who also happened to be good friends with him) which was a difficult decision but ultimately out of respect of his family, I stayed home. 

I know it’s cliché and we’ve all heard it a million times, but don’t miss an opportunity to tell someone how you feel about them. Walk away from them like it could be your last time ever speaking to them because it just might be. Don’t let them pass away without knowing the truth.

With everything that has been going on, my husband and I have made quite possibly the biggest decision of our marriage thus far. On May 15th of next year, I am going to step away from my current job. Perhaps I’ll go work at a new firm somewhere or even freelance from home full-time.

It’s because of this, aside from the two trips we already have planned and paid for will be our last hurrah of 2015. The rest of my paychecks are going into savings and paying off the debt we do have (my medical bills). If you happen to have any tips on how to survive a spending freeze, I’d love to hear them.

I’m terrified of the future and the unknown but I am excited for the challenges. I am going to bed tonight with a heavy heart but have the belief that things will get better. Things might not get easier, but things will be better.